Hiya | Pakikisama

How is it like to be Filipino and have an invisible illness and chronic pain knowing that you have to deal with Hiya (shame) and Pakikisama (fellowship or sociability) while trying to live a normal life? It took me seven years to come out and speak up about my Inflammatory Bowel Disease (as embarrassing as it may be) because I got tired of explaining.

I got tired of explaining why I can’t go to certain events, why I can’t eat certain foods, why I refuse to accept work opportunities because I wasn’t sure how my body would react to the stress, why I prefer to have my own bathroom even on girls trips, why it’s more comfortable for me to eat in a restaurant that's within a 1-mile radius of my home.

Then on some days, I find myself taking a shot or two of whiskey during happy hour - just to make me feel like I belong - even when I know it’s not good for me; or in parties, I’m unable to refuse some Auntie’s dish for fear of hurting their feelings - even when I know it’s not good for me.

The worse is apologizing for my illness when it’s not even my fault, but I find myself doing that sometimes because I don’t want to inconvenience others or be misunderstood.

It’s a long process, but I’ve learned to speak louder, and I’ve learned to set boundaries. Never mind the labels. Eh, ano naman kung KJ ako or laging eat-and-run, or wala sa ulirat.

At this point in my life, I’ve learned to be unapologetically me knowing that those who truly love me will stay.